She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.