She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.