She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.