She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.