I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.