I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I have three kids, one of each.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.