I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I have three kids, one of each.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!