I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".