I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.