I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.