I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.