I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!