I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.