People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.