People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.