My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.