My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.