My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.