My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.