The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.