My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.