My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.