My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".