I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.