I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."