I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.