I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."