My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Rodney DangerfieldI was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
Rodney DangerfieldWhat a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
Rodney DangerfieldMy life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'
Rodney Dangerfield