When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!