When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.