When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.