When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.