When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.