I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.