I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!