I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.