I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!