When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.