My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I can't get no respect.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.