If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.