If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I was a poster child... for birth control!