If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.