If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.