If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.