When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.