When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.