When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.