When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.