My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.