My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!