My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I can't get no respect.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?