My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I was a poster child... for birth control!

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !