My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.