She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?