I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'