I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'