Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.