Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.