Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back