My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.