My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.