My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.