My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.