I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!