I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.