My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.