I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.