My wife gives good headache.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.