My wife gives good headache.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.