My wife gives good headache.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I can't get no respect.