Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.