Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."