Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.