Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."