Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?