Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.