When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.