When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.