When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.