When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.