When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.