When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I have three kids, one of each.