My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."