My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.