When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."