When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?