When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.