Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.