Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.