When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.