When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!