When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.