When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.