When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.