When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.