When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.