When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.