With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.