With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.