With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.