With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens