My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.