My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.