I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.