I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.