I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.