I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.