I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.