I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!