I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.