I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.