I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.