I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.