I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!