I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.