Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.