Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.