You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.