You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.