They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!