They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.