They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.