They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.