I was a poster child... for birth control!

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.