I was a poster child... for birth control!

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.