I was a poster child... for birth control!

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.