I was a poster child... for birth control!

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.