I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.