With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.