With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.