With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.