To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.