To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

My wife gives good headache.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.