I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.