To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.