When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.