When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.