When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.