I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.