I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.