I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.