I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !