I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.