It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.