It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.