It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back