It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.