It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!