People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.