I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

I have three kids, one of each.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.