I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.