I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.