At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.