At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?