At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.